Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Village of Clusterf*** – Summary and Sound Bites

Long story short, Tim ran the Ubergoobers' game last night and it was a wild, wild ride. You know how they say "don't split the party"? Our party of four is now in three (!) separate groups. Yes, that's two groups of one, and one group of two. Oh, and we basically tried to kill each other. Which of course merits a rapid (400-word) session recap before the sound bites.

400-Word Session Recap

Middle of the night. Rogue (me) bungles a simple thieving job – help prisoner escape, trade prisoner for scroll. Simple. But Rogue (me) doesn't follow orders, comes up with own plan. Rogue (me) meets Duelist (Dan) and Mage (Ken) in tavern. They'll help with Rogue's (my) plan. We use the town drunk as substitute in prisoner exchange for scroll. Doesn't work. Bad guys (NPC Skimmer Pirates) don't buy it. Combat ensues. Party is helped by unknown Ranger (Rob) shooting from the trees. Bad guys (NPC Skimmer Pirates) go down. Rogue (me) picks up scroll (hooray! mission accomplished! so soon?). Ranger (Rob) is suspicious of Rogue (me), Duelist (Dan), and Mage (Ken). Ranger (Rob) won't give his name, but asks a lot of questions and talks about going to the authorities. Mage (Ken) wants no part of this. Who is that lone ranger? And who is he to be asking all the questions? Mage (Ken) blasts Ranger (Rob) with magic missile (holy sh*t!). Ranger (Rob) peppers Mage (Ken) with arrows. Duelist (Dan) chooses sides and kills Mage (Ken), while Rogue (me) runs back into town (f*cking coward!) through secret tunnel to give scroll to employer. Duelist (Dan) follows close behind. Ranger (Rob) runs away into the woods then makes his way back to town. Mage (Ken) awakes resurrected and healed in death-cult church in nearby cemetery. He has no money since Duelist (Dan) looted him when he was dead. Also his wounds are oozing nasty stuff, and he's losing points of comeliness. Never trust a death-cult healer (damned freaks!). Rogue (me) and Duelist (Dan) get chewed out by thieves' guild boss for f*cking up mission. Got the scroll but didn't follow orders; made a royal clusterf*ck of everything. Had battle with bad guys (NPC Skimmer Pirates) when we weren't supposed to. Punishment: end up with 1 silver piece (and 1 XP) for all our trouble and get grounded by the thieves' guild. Ranger (Rob), is polite with the Lord of the Manor (licks his a**), and gets a butt-load of silver pieces (and XP) for the heads of the dead bad guys (NPC Skimmer Pirates) and is probably the only one who will get any significant XP for the session (bast*rd). Oh, and the Mage (Ken) now has weird death-cult sh*t growing on his chest.

To sum it up: a spectacular session in which great fun was had by all.

Sound Bites

"So help me God, if you capture me and put me on a prison ship, I'll kill you."
"Really? Did you have a bad experience with that one time?"

"It's pretty vile. That's why I like it."

"I hope she didn't sneeze in the batter."

"He just drops like a bad WWF wrestler."

"Carl's having an epic battle with a bush."

"I go up to a tree and pound it and get my wood."
"Do you get XP for that? Or do you just go blind?"

"If I were you, I'd cut off his head, go up to the manor, knock on the door and say Merry Christmas!"

"Well, he's not gonna ID him by his pen*s..."

"He starts scratchin' himself and more sh*t comes out of his face."

"If you don't touch me, I'll do it."


  1. Love that rapidfifre "just the facts" session write-up.

  2. It was a fun session, despite me being dead and all.